I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
