i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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