remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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