listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
