my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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