I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
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Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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