# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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