Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
