I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
