just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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