I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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