Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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