I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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