your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
