woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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