my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
