I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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