youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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