In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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