Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
