Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
