I'm really into asian looking animals
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
she pinky promised me she was 18
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
