so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
