i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
