I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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