It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
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Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
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Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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