That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
