Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
