i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
The uberlube is also flammable
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
