I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
