Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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