just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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