I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
