At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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