Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
