dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
