Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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