There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
