He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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