Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
