i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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