Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I have surprise drugs for everyone
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
