Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
