my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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