You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
