Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
