my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
