Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
