i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
