I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Randomize
