I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
