My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
