What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
