A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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