Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
